For Annie.
Dec. 25th, 2003 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tammaiyaTitle: Are You SURE You're Not Elvish?
Rating: PG
Fandom: LOTR/POTC (yes, be afraid)
Pairing: Um. None, actually. Wow.
Genre:Bad Humour. Silliness. Crossover.
Notes: *facepalm* Oh god kill me now. I asked Ji to, but she wouldn't. I can't believe I wrote this. In fact... I didn't! Really! It's not my fault, I was, I was dead at the time!
... I'll shut up and take the blame like a fangirl. ^^;
Also- be warned of the bad in-jokes relating to the Discworld RP. Actually...
Warnings: Extreme silliness. Lots of OOC-ness. Abuse of bad humour- repeat offence. Did I already say extreme silliness?
Summary: Jack's new harebrained scheme lands the Pearl in Middle Earth. Will and Legolas get mixed up. That's... about it, really. Extremely silly.
“He’s taking us to the Bermuda Triangle!” Will wailed.
Elizabeth blinked. “Oh, is that all? I thought you already knew.”
Will sighed. “Why am I always the last to know everything?”
“Jack,” Will began suspiciously, “do you have any idea where we’re going at all?”
“William me lad! Trust me! When have I ever lead you astray?”
Will arched an eyebrow. “Do you really want me to answer that?”
“If ye’re referring to the incident with the curse, it all turned out in the end,” Jack said dismissively.
“With you falling off a cliff, if I recall correctly.”
“Tha’ was planned,” Jack muttered.
“Yes, of course, which was why you messed up your parting shot,” Will said sarcastically. “Silly me.”
“I wouldn’t bother arguing with the captain,” Anamaria interrupted helpfully. “He’ll just ignore you when he starts to lose.”
Will sighed. “Might’ve known. So where is this Middle Earth in relation to Port Royal, anyway?”
”It’s not, I’ve told ye,” Jack replied, flipping the compass open idly. “We’re goin’ to a portal that will take us there.”
“Right.” Will would have been inclined to disbelieve such nonsense, but after meeting the living dead, he was not so ready to disregard things like that. “So where is this portal, then?”
Jack winced slightly, knowing that Will was not going to like this part at all. “The Bermuda Triangle.”
“WHAT?”
“There go me ears,” Jack said mournfully. “You scream louder ‘n a gal, Will.”
“What was that?”
Jack laughed nervously. “Elizabeth! Didn’ see ye there.”
Elizabeth had demanded to come along, and like Anamaria, it was deemed unluckier to refuse her than to let her on board.
“No, I assumed not. Why is Will screaming?”
“He’s taking us to the Bermuda Triangle!” Will wailed.
Elizabeth blinked. “Oh, is that all? I thought you already knew.”
Will sighed. “Why am I always the last to know everything?”
~
“It’s well time we set up camp,” Aragorn decided.
“I’ll check for enemies,” Legolas offered, and Aragorn nodded as the hobbits collapsed weakly to the ground.
“Thank you, Legolas,” was the reply, and if there were any more to it the elf did not hear it as he ran away into the trees.
“Do you think he heard me asking him to take care near the lake?” Aragorn wondered. “Strange things happen there.”
Gimli shook his head. “That’s elves for you. Think they know everything.”
~
“Hey look, Jack, there’s a- AAAH!”
*Splash*!
“It’s captain- Will?”
“Uh, captain, I think he’s fallen overboard,” Anamaria said tactfully.
“Oh, bugger,” Jack commented. “You’d think he’d be more intelligent than tha’, wouldn’ ye?”
“With all due respect, captain,” Anamaria said dryly, “might not some of the blame lie with you for turning the Pearl so suddenly when he was leaning over the edge?”
”O’ course not, don’ be ridiculous,” Jack answered. “It’s his own stupid fault for leaning over in the first place. We’ll ‘ave to dock ‘er, I suppose. At least he can swim.”
~
Climbing onto the bank, Will attempted in vain to squeeze the water out of his clothes. He would make Jack pay, one of these days.
“Legolas!” a man with black hair shouted. “What have you done to your hair? I told you not to go near that lake!”
“Huh?” Will said intelligently.
“Your hair, it’s black! And is that a moustache? I thought elves couldn’t grow facial hair?”
“But I’m not elvish!” Will protested. “Elves aren’t real!”
Aragorn gave him a worried look. “Are you sure you’re all right, Legolas?”
“My name is Will,” Will snapped. “Not Legolas. Who the hell are you?”
Aragorn’s expression was dubious. “Not Legolas. If you say so. Although you look rather a lot like him, and he’s elvish… are you sure you’re not elvish?”
“Yes!”
“Part elvish?”
“Leave me alone,” Will growled. “Or I’ll stick a sword through your ribs.”
“Legolas, you don’t know how to use-”
“Oh, for the love of God!” Will exploded. “I am not this Legolas, whoever he is!”
“I believe you,” Aragorn said calmly. “Something strange is afoot.”
Add amnesia to the changes incurred by the lake, then.
~
“And now we just have to find him. Brilliant plan, Jack,” Elizabeth muttered sourly.
“It’s captain,” Jack objected, but wilted under the fiery glare she shot him. He didn’t care what anyone else said, women were far more dangerous than undead pirates. “How hard can it be, anyway? He can’t be that far!”
“So you say.” Elizabeth lifted her skirts and stalked almost point-blank into an arrow pointed at her.
“Stay there,” Legolas ordered. “Who are you?”
“Will?” Elizabeth asked blankly. “What did you do to your hair?”
“This is unfair,” Jack complained. “Not only can he use a sword, he now uses arrows as well?”
“What are you humans talking about?” Legolas demanded.
“Er… say wha’?” Jack said, frowning.
“You people come wearing strange clothes and acting as though you know me as a different person. Why?” Legolas demanded.
Jack stared at him. “Did ye take a knock on the head on ye way down, lad? How could ye forget Cap’n Jack Sparrow?”
“Don’t call me lad,” the elf said flatly. “I’m a lot older than you, human.”
“No, actually, ye’re not,” Jack corrected him. “Or did ye forget I knew ye father?”
Legolas gave him a strange look. “I don’t see why that should make any difference. Father is the elf King of Mirkwood; many know him, or at least of him, whilst still being younger than myself.”
“Ye’re not on some sort of dodgy substance, are ye?” Jack replied suspiciously. “Jus’ makin’ sure. Elves aren’t real.”
“I don’t trust you,” Legolas hissed. “So don’t make any sudden movements.”
He still had the arrow drawn, so Elizabeth at least decided to obey. This was incredibly weird- she was beginning to question Jack’s wisdom at taking them here.
Wait; did she just think Jack and wisdom in the same sentence?
Silly her.
~
“And he says he’s not Legolas,” Aragorn finished.
Gimli frowned. “Are you sure you’re not Legolas with different hair?”
“Yes!” Will complained. “Why won’t you people believe me?” He paused. “And why are you so short?”
“Dwarves often are,” Gimli told him, deadpan. “Are you sure you’re not elvish, then? Because you look very elvish.”
“NO!”
“What about part elvish?”
“Why do people keep asking me that? For the last time, no!”
“I don’t know, he looks pretty elvish to me,” Merry said thoughtfully.
“And why’s he so short?” Will said resentfully. “Is he a dwarf too?”
“No, I’m a hobbit,” Merry said slowly, like it was clearly a very obvious fact that he shouldn’t need to ask about. Will managed not to ask what a hobbit was, but only just.
“Do you know for sure that neither of your parents were elves?” Gimli persisted. “Nothing to be ashamed of, not all elves are that bad.”
“I hate you, Jack,” Will said absent-mindedly.
~
“So you’re really an elf,” Elizabeth repeated carefully.
“Yes,” Legolas answered wearily. It wasn’t that hard to accept, was it?
“What I wan’ to know,” Jack announced, “is where he got the wig.”
Proud as he was of his hair, Legolas looked offended. “Excuse me, this is not a wig!”
“His ears are pointier than I remember them being, though,” Elizabeth mused. “Maybe he’s not Will?”
“Which is what I’ve been telling you!” Legolas exclaimed.
“But he looks like Will!” Jack argued.
“Oh, for the love of Isulder,” Legolas muttered.
“Maybe he’s related to Will?” Elizabeth suggested. As one, they considered this before shaking their heads.
“No,” Jack said. “I don’t think Will has relatives.”
“Do you think he’s really an elf, then?”
This could go on for quite some time, Legolas decided, and slipped away back into the trees. Not very observant people, were they?
~
For lack of anything better to do, Will had started telling the Fellowship about the curse of the Aztec gold.
“… and so then the curse was lifted…”
The Fellowship listened with rapt attention, especially the hobbits. They found it a bit hard to believe, but they appreciated a good story almost as much as second breakfast.
“Who is he?” Legolas queried as he walked into the clearing.
There was a long silence as everyone tried to take into account that they had two near identical people in their midst.
“You look like me,” Will said finally.
“Are you-” Legolas began.
“No!” Will cut in. “I am not elvish, so don’t even ask.”
Legolas frowned. “Well, clearly you’re not elvish. I’d know if you were. I was just about to ask if you were Will.”
Will blinked sheepishly. “Oh. Yes. And you would be Legolas?”
“That is correct.”
“And you’re an elf.”
“Yes.”
Will sighed. “Well, that makes much more sense, then.”
“Will?” Elizabeth called.
“Elizabeth?”
“We were wondering where you’d- well, I’ll be damned.” Jack stared from Will to Legolas and back again. “They really were different people.”
“Oh, good. We found you, Will. Now can we go?” Elizabeth asked impatiently.
“But what about exploring?” Jack objected. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”
“I left it in the Bermuda Triangle,” she said tartly.
“I’m inclined to agree with Elizabeth,” Will added.
Outnumbered. “Oh, have it yer own way, then,” Jack sighed.
And they all lived happily ever after.
~
Rolling over in his sleep, Orlando Bloom woke up with a start. That was, by far, the weirdest dream he’d ever had.
He’d just have to hope that Troy wouldn’t be involved next time.
Rating: PG
Fandom: LOTR/POTC (yes, be afraid)
Pairing: Um. None, actually. Wow.
Genre:
Notes: *facepalm* Oh god kill me now. I asked Ji to, but she wouldn't. I can't believe I wrote this. In fact... I didn't! Really! It's not my fault, I was, I was dead at the time!
... I'll shut up and take the blame like a fangirl. ^^;
Also- be warned of the bad in-jokes relating to the Discworld RP. Actually...
Warnings: Extreme silliness. Lots of OOC-ness. Abuse of bad humour- repeat offence. Did I already say extreme silliness?
Summary: Jack's new harebrained scheme lands the Pearl in Middle Earth. Will and Legolas get mixed up. That's... about it, really. Extremely silly.
“He’s taking us to the Bermuda Triangle!” Will wailed.
Elizabeth blinked. “Oh, is that all? I thought you already knew.”
Will sighed. “Why am I always the last to know everything?”
“Jack,” Will began suspiciously, “do you have any idea where we’re going at all?”
“William me lad! Trust me! When have I ever lead you astray?”
Will arched an eyebrow. “Do you really want me to answer that?”
“If ye’re referring to the incident with the curse, it all turned out in the end,” Jack said dismissively.
“With you falling off a cliff, if I recall correctly.”
“Tha’ was planned,” Jack muttered.
“Yes, of course, which was why you messed up your parting shot,” Will said sarcastically. “Silly me.”
“I wouldn’t bother arguing with the captain,” Anamaria interrupted helpfully. “He’ll just ignore you when he starts to lose.”
Will sighed. “Might’ve known. So where is this Middle Earth in relation to Port Royal, anyway?”
”It’s not, I’ve told ye,” Jack replied, flipping the compass open idly. “We’re goin’ to a portal that will take us there.”
“Right.” Will would have been inclined to disbelieve such nonsense, but after meeting the living dead, he was not so ready to disregard things like that. “So where is this portal, then?”
Jack winced slightly, knowing that Will was not going to like this part at all. “The Bermuda Triangle.”
“WHAT?”
“There go me ears,” Jack said mournfully. “You scream louder ‘n a gal, Will.”
“What was that?”
Jack laughed nervously. “Elizabeth! Didn’ see ye there.”
Elizabeth had demanded to come along, and like Anamaria, it was deemed unluckier to refuse her than to let her on board.
“No, I assumed not. Why is Will screaming?”
“He’s taking us to the Bermuda Triangle!” Will wailed.
Elizabeth blinked. “Oh, is that all? I thought you already knew.”
Will sighed. “Why am I always the last to know everything?”
~
“It’s well time we set up camp,” Aragorn decided.
“I’ll check for enemies,” Legolas offered, and Aragorn nodded as the hobbits collapsed weakly to the ground.
“Thank you, Legolas,” was the reply, and if there were any more to it the elf did not hear it as he ran away into the trees.
“Do you think he heard me asking him to take care near the lake?” Aragorn wondered. “Strange things happen there.”
Gimli shook his head. “That’s elves for you. Think they know everything.”
~
“Hey look, Jack, there’s a- AAAH!”
*Splash*!
“It’s captain- Will?”
“Uh, captain, I think he’s fallen overboard,” Anamaria said tactfully.
“Oh, bugger,” Jack commented. “You’d think he’d be more intelligent than tha’, wouldn’ ye?”
“With all due respect, captain,” Anamaria said dryly, “might not some of the blame lie with you for turning the Pearl so suddenly when he was leaning over the edge?”
”O’ course not, don’ be ridiculous,” Jack answered. “It’s his own stupid fault for leaning over in the first place. We’ll ‘ave to dock ‘er, I suppose. At least he can swim.”
~
Climbing onto the bank, Will attempted in vain to squeeze the water out of his clothes. He would make Jack pay, one of these days.
“Legolas!” a man with black hair shouted. “What have you done to your hair? I told you not to go near that lake!”
“Huh?” Will said intelligently.
“Your hair, it’s black! And is that a moustache? I thought elves couldn’t grow facial hair?”
“But I’m not elvish!” Will protested. “Elves aren’t real!”
Aragorn gave him a worried look. “Are you sure you’re all right, Legolas?”
“My name is Will,” Will snapped. “Not Legolas. Who the hell are you?”
Aragorn’s expression was dubious. “Not Legolas. If you say so. Although you look rather a lot like him, and he’s elvish… are you sure you’re not elvish?”
“Yes!”
“Part elvish?”
“Leave me alone,” Will growled. “Or I’ll stick a sword through your ribs.”
“Legolas, you don’t know how to use-”
“Oh, for the love of God!” Will exploded. “I am not this Legolas, whoever he is!”
“I believe you,” Aragorn said calmly. “Something strange is afoot.”
Add amnesia to the changes incurred by the lake, then.
~
“And now we just have to find him. Brilliant plan, Jack,” Elizabeth muttered sourly.
“It’s captain,” Jack objected, but wilted under the fiery glare she shot him. He didn’t care what anyone else said, women were far more dangerous than undead pirates. “How hard can it be, anyway? He can’t be that far!”
“So you say.” Elizabeth lifted her skirts and stalked almost point-blank into an arrow pointed at her.
“Stay there,” Legolas ordered. “Who are you?”
“Will?” Elizabeth asked blankly. “What did you do to your hair?”
“This is unfair,” Jack complained. “Not only can he use a sword, he now uses arrows as well?”
“What are you humans talking about?” Legolas demanded.
“Er… say wha’?” Jack said, frowning.
“You people come wearing strange clothes and acting as though you know me as a different person. Why?” Legolas demanded.
Jack stared at him. “Did ye take a knock on the head on ye way down, lad? How could ye forget Cap’n Jack Sparrow?”
“Don’t call me lad,” the elf said flatly. “I’m a lot older than you, human.”
“No, actually, ye’re not,” Jack corrected him. “Or did ye forget I knew ye father?”
Legolas gave him a strange look. “I don’t see why that should make any difference. Father is the elf King of Mirkwood; many know him, or at least of him, whilst still being younger than myself.”
“Ye’re not on some sort of dodgy substance, are ye?” Jack replied suspiciously. “Jus’ makin’ sure. Elves aren’t real.”
“I don’t trust you,” Legolas hissed. “So don’t make any sudden movements.”
He still had the arrow drawn, so Elizabeth at least decided to obey. This was incredibly weird- she was beginning to question Jack’s wisdom at taking them here.
Wait; did she just think Jack and wisdom in the same sentence?
Silly her.
~
“And he says he’s not Legolas,” Aragorn finished.
Gimli frowned. “Are you sure you’re not Legolas with different hair?”
“Yes!” Will complained. “Why won’t you people believe me?” He paused. “And why are you so short?”
“Dwarves often are,” Gimli told him, deadpan. “Are you sure you’re not elvish, then? Because you look very elvish.”
“NO!”
“What about part elvish?”
“Why do people keep asking me that? For the last time, no!”
“I don’t know, he looks pretty elvish to me,” Merry said thoughtfully.
“And why’s he so short?” Will said resentfully. “Is he a dwarf too?”
“No, I’m a hobbit,” Merry said slowly, like it was clearly a very obvious fact that he shouldn’t need to ask about. Will managed not to ask what a hobbit was, but only just.
“Do you know for sure that neither of your parents were elves?” Gimli persisted. “Nothing to be ashamed of, not all elves are that bad.”
“I hate you, Jack,” Will said absent-mindedly.
~
“So you’re really an elf,” Elizabeth repeated carefully.
“Yes,” Legolas answered wearily. It wasn’t that hard to accept, was it?
“What I wan’ to know,” Jack announced, “is where he got the wig.”
Proud as he was of his hair, Legolas looked offended. “Excuse me, this is not a wig!”
“His ears are pointier than I remember them being, though,” Elizabeth mused. “Maybe he’s not Will?”
“Which is what I’ve been telling you!” Legolas exclaimed.
“But he looks like Will!” Jack argued.
“Oh, for the love of Isulder,” Legolas muttered.
“Maybe he’s related to Will?” Elizabeth suggested. As one, they considered this before shaking their heads.
“No,” Jack said. “I don’t think Will has relatives.”
“Do you think he’s really an elf, then?”
This could go on for quite some time, Legolas decided, and slipped away back into the trees. Not very observant people, were they?
~
For lack of anything better to do, Will had started telling the Fellowship about the curse of the Aztec gold.
“… and so then the curse was lifted…”
The Fellowship listened with rapt attention, especially the hobbits. They found it a bit hard to believe, but they appreciated a good story almost as much as second breakfast.
“Who is he?” Legolas queried as he walked into the clearing.
There was a long silence as everyone tried to take into account that they had two near identical people in their midst.
“You look like me,” Will said finally.
“Are you-” Legolas began.
“No!” Will cut in. “I am not elvish, so don’t even ask.”
Legolas frowned. “Well, clearly you’re not elvish. I’d know if you were. I was just about to ask if you were Will.”
Will blinked sheepishly. “Oh. Yes. And you would be Legolas?”
“That is correct.”
“And you’re an elf.”
“Yes.”
Will sighed. “Well, that makes much more sense, then.”
“Will?” Elizabeth called.
“Elizabeth?”
“We were wondering where you’d- well, I’ll be damned.” Jack stared from Will to Legolas and back again. “They really were different people.”
“Oh, good. We found you, Will. Now can we go?” Elizabeth asked impatiently.
“But what about exploring?” Jack objected. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”
“I left it in the Bermuda Triangle,” she said tartly.
“I’m inclined to agree with Elizabeth,” Will added.
Outnumbered. “Oh, have it yer own way, then,” Jack sighed.
And they all lived happily ever after.
~
Rolling over in his sleep, Orlando Bloom woke up with a start. That was, by far, the weirdest dream he’d ever had.
He’d just have to hope that Troy wouldn’t be involved next time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-25 09:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-25 10:02 am (UTC)I don't like: Q: How many times can you fit an Imp joke into a totally unrelated story? A: FAR TOO MANY *bangs head* ^_^
no subject
Date: 2003-12-26 05:37 am (UTC)::SNERK!::IALVATJ.I approve wholeheartedly. (Which means, of course, it's fit for public consumption. XD)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-14 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-27 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-14 03:02 am (UTC)