FREEEEEEEEEDOM! I mean. Yes. *cough*
Jun. 10th, 2004 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tammaiyaSo I promised to myself I'd do a big update of my life for the past... week, I don't know. So I will.
Yes, I'm being sincerely truthful about the cut-name. Anyway.
Saturday: began playing Super Mario Bros. 2, despite the fact I do not particularly like it. Why? Study mentality. The only way I seem to be able to approach vast amounts of study recently is by becoming obsessed with inane platformers I really am rather indifferent to. It appears to work, though, so hey. Also began writing out summaries of my notes, decided '... fuck this, man' and went to type them up. Why? Because I don't have limitless lined paper, I'm a slow writer and anyway my hand gets sore. Also it seems like less of a chore when it involves the computer. Don't ask. So that was my Saturday. I think there may have been some Japanese in there too.
Also, that evening I read the last chapter and following of the Surgeon of Crowthorne, and I was in serious tears. More than I've been able to cry for a while, because I've been kind of dehydrated. Last week my kidney started killing me, though, so mum was all "DRINK 3 LITRES A DAY" and I did. Um. But I'm basically dehydrated again now. *is idiot* So yes, SoC made me cry really badly. I'm not quite sure why; I think it's because I'm way too sensitive for my own good, I was already on edge because of the stress and I've just been generally depressed. *shrug* So I tried to reread it, but THAT went down the drain because I was crying so hard it almost hurt and I couldn't focus. Erm. Yeah. *cough*
Sunday: More Super Mario Bros., endless history, yet another failed attempt to reread SoC resulting in tears. Hysterics of the "I'm going to FAIL!" variety.
Monday: English exam from 11:30 to 1. Very stressful. Question was about whether or not it was a successful biography; I was feeling mildly optomistic about the direction my essay was taking, but I ran out of time because I wrote a draft. AAAAAAARGH STUPID FUCKING DRAFT. So I had to submit my last body paragraph in draft form, complete with ABBREVIATED QUOTE LIKE SUCH: "This was almost cert. (etc)" p57. And then I wrote a shoddy two-line conclusion after pens down. Kill me. Please. I couldn't AFFORD to fuck up that essay. *sigh* So I went home and I burst into tears, though as I was getting dehydrated again there was not quite so many literal tears as technically there ought to have been. There was certainly the correct amount of hysterical sobs, however. Anyway, went to Maths coaching, decided firmly I was going to fail and it was all going to pot. More Mario Bros, more HISTORY.
Tuesday: No exams. If you guessed more history? BINGO. I had history coming out my EARS, man. I was an ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF KNOWLEDGE on barbarians. I also knew stuff about Emperors. However, I got to my notes on monasticism, realised I hadn't DONE my notes on monasticism, and went "... fuck this." So I knew stuff all about monks, the Book of Kells, the Lindisfarne Gospels, the Synod of Whitby... uhuh. Yeah. I didn't know much about Charlemagne, either, which, considering I wrote an ESSAY on him (very badly researched; I'll be lucky to get 16. *cries*) is really quite sad. I somehow convinced myself that none of this would be a problem, because I knew SO much about the early stuff, and besides, you could choose what to define. I just... wouldn't choose anything about monks. So there.
Did all four previous maths tests in a row, and concluded I was Royally Screwed. Do you know how pathetic it feels to get a question wrong on a test you originally got full marks for? Uh huh. Yeah. So Tuesday was (yet another) day of panic; I had come to realise that there was absolutely no way I had time to prepare for my Maths and History exams on Wednesday. Ce la vie, huh? Also, had maths coaching again. Matt was all, "You'll be fiiiiiiiiiiine," and I was all, "NO I WON'T."
Start to period. Suspicion that universe really IS against me.
Wednesday: Woke up having slept very badly. Went to bed early, but didn't get to sleep until way later than usual, which given I'm a permanent insomniac is actually very bad. When I did get to sleep, I kept waking up. And finally, I had one of the worst nightmares I can ever remember. (Exactly a week after that nightmare about the english essay, just for interest's sake.) It was a dream within a dream; in the main dream, I went to bed early- just like in real life- but fell asleep immediately. When I woke up the next day (in the dream), I had an IT assignment I hadn't finished because I'd been so tired on top of my exams. Extreme stress! But what made it so terrible was the dream I had when I was asleep inside the dream. It was a dream about being molested, and what made is so AWFUL was that I could feel it. It's... it... hurt. There was a hand clawing at my side and that hurt the most, pervesely. It. Was really painful. And the really strange part was that it was more vivid than anything I'm capable of feeling in real life. I mean, I used to be really ticklish, but while I'm still really easily hurt physically, it's like my nerves have just become... detached? I don't know. Anyway. I just don't feel stuff much, but in this dream, the pain was making me scream and thrash and cry and the crying was the worst part and I was screaming "DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME, IT HURTS!" and... yeah. It's impossible to describe, I guess. And then when I woke up (in the main dream) I was really shaken and could still feel the pain and then had all that other stress to deal with. And then later in the dream I was with Ashie and- someone else? I think- waiting for one of them to see a psychologist, but then the dream came back with full force and I could feel the pain just as much as the first time and I started thrashing and screaming and crying uncontrollably again and they tried to restrain me but that made me scream more. The psychologist said maybe I was repressing something.
The worst part was having to go through that terrible pain twice. And... my reaction. In the dream. Pain has never made me go that psychotic before, and it just... sort of showed how bad it was. Um. Yeah. I can still remember how it felt. Though not vividly like in the dream. I guess it must have really shaken me up, cause look how much I wrote about it... huh. Anyway, never mind all this. Just a nightmare, even if it was a particularly bad one.
The maths exam in the morning wasn't too bad. I finished with half an hour to spare, and checked my paper and wasn't too displeased by it. Then, as soon as I handed it in, I remembered I had actually FORGOTTEN to prove one of the questions. I like, fully got halfway through it and forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I checked through it, and STILL didn't twig. I could have DONE it, which is the worst part. And that was a 40% exam too. *feels dumb* You know the really sad thing? I got 565 as the answer to one of the questions, and my immediate thought was "Hey! That's the year Justinian died! ... wait, why am I thinking about history?" Ahem. Yes. Mum picked me up and I went home between exams. Came back, talked to Chrissy, rocked up to history exam. History exam, as per usual, crammed an hour and a half's worth of paper into an hour of allowed time. It was also on hard obscure shit. There was some stuff I knew really well; then there was the stuff I completely bullshitted my way through. I don't know how I did; hopefully not too badly, because if my Charlemagne essay was as crap as I thought, I can't AFFORD to. Was simultaneously amused and horrified by the appearance of that Polycarp document in the documents section- brought back memories of last year's year 12 bitching about their Mediaeval exam in 2002 and how they had this document about "Polycarp" and they were all, "Polycarp? WTF? KILL ME!" *wry smile*
Went home, studied for Japanese. After spending a ridiculous amount of time, somewhere in the order of 4-5 hours, writing letters in Japanese. Then I decided "screw this for a lark" and exited my room to use the computer. Hand KILLING. Bloody Testing Week. So I eventually decided to play the Card Captor Sakura game, and tried to delude myself into believing that it was study. Really. It was in Japanese! I understood it! It was helping!
To quote Yuka: "ONEESAMA!" *glare*
Me R teh sux. *grin*
Today: Another night of not-so-great sleep, though thankfully unmolested sleep. There was a nightmare, but I've already forgotten it so it can't have been TOO bad. I think. Eh. Got to school an hour before my Japanese exam, and Mari edited one of my practice letters. Mari? I've said it before, I know, and I'll say it again, but OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH *HEART*! If I don't fail my Japanese exam it will be thanks to you! (Okagesamade...And it would be helpful if my brain would stop thinking in keigo now, thanks. Oo;) If the general populace wants even a vague indication of how bizarre the letter I wrote in my exam was, I did at some point start babbling about the book 'Dear Daddy Long Legs'. Um. Yes. *embarrassed cough* But! It's ooooooooover. THANK GOD. But it didn't actually end there. *scowl* Oh, NO. No, it didn't. After Small House rehearsal (am going to make public fool of self, as Glebe is Disorganised), and talking to 'mouto-chan for a bit, and hanging around watching J-pop clips in the IT centre, Mr Brown informs me there is a PROBLEM WITH MY IT ASSIGNMENT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The one I handed in last Friday! (You know what's really freaky? The way that it was sort of like the dream from Wedne- shutting up.)
So I had to stay around in the IT centre fixing my assignment until 4:30, because suddenly a whole heap of stuff that had been working when I submitted was MAGICALLY NOT WORKING. Argh. There's still two things that WERE working that just aren't any more despite the fact that the coding should be perfectly alright, so I gave up in defeat and resubmitted. Please dear GOD let my mark for it not be too painful. Anyway, I hadn't had lunch, because I was supposed to go home for lunch. I had work at 5. I had to run half the way home, and by the time I got there I was dizzy and my lungs hurt and my legs felt so weak I thought I'd collapse. And I didn't even have time for lunch. I had small snack-food, then I had to go to work until 9.30 and didn't get dinner until I came home. *pout* So... yeah. Now I have a 5 day weekend. I intend to take advantage of this fact. *happy sigh* And no more assessment after that, either! Only a week and a half, then REAL HOLIDAYS. W00t! Maybe I'll play Card Captor Sakura some more now...
ETA:
PS- I finished Super Mario Bros. 2 on Tuesday. I am fully aware of how pathetic this is.
Yes, I'm being sincerely truthful about the cut-name. Anyway.
Saturday: began playing Super Mario Bros. 2, despite the fact I do not particularly like it. Why? Study mentality. The only way I seem to be able to approach vast amounts of study recently is by becoming obsessed with inane platformers I really am rather indifferent to. It appears to work, though, so hey. Also began writing out summaries of my notes, decided '... fuck this, man' and went to type them up. Why? Because I don't have limitless lined paper, I'm a slow writer and anyway my hand gets sore. Also it seems like less of a chore when it involves the computer. Don't ask. So that was my Saturday. I think there may have been some Japanese in there too.
Also, that evening I read the last chapter and following of the Surgeon of Crowthorne, and I was in serious tears. More than I've been able to cry for a while, because I've been kind of dehydrated. Last week my kidney started killing me, though, so mum was all "DRINK 3 LITRES A DAY" and I did. Um. But I'm basically dehydrated again now. *is idiot* So yes, SoC made me cry really badly. I'm not quite sure why; I think it's because I'm way too sensitive for my own good, I was already on edge because of the stress and I've just been generally depressed. *shrug* So I tried to reread it, but THAT went down the drain because I was crying so hard it almost hurt and I couldn't focus. Erm. Yeah. *cough*
Sunday: More Super Mario Bros., endless history, yet another failed attempt to reread SoC resulting in tears. Hysterics of the "I'm going to FAIL!" variety.
Monday: English exam from 11:30 to 1. Very stressful. Question was about whether or not it was a successful biography; I was feeling mildly optomistic about the direction my essay was taking, but I ran out of time because I wrote a draft. AAAAAAARGH STUPID FUCKING DRAFT. So I had to submit my last body paragraph in draft form, complete with ABBREVIATED QUOTE LIKE SUCH: "This was almost cert. (etc)" p57. And then I wrote a shoddy two-line conclusion after pens down. Kill me. Please. I couldn't AFFORD to fuck up that essay. *sigh* So I went home and I burst into tears, though as I was getting dehydrated again there was not quite so many literal tears as technically there ought to have been. There was certainly the correct amount of hysterical sobs, however. Anyway, went to Maths coaching, decided firmly I was going to fail and it was all going to pot. More Mario Bros, more HISTORY.
Tuesday: No exams. If you guessed more history? BINGO. I had history coming out my EARS, man. I was an ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF KNOWLEDGE on barbarians. I also knew stuff about Emperors. However, I got to my notes on monasticism, realised I hadn't DONE my notes on monasticism, and went "... fuck this." So I knew stuff all about monks, the Book of Kells, the Lindisfarne Gospels, the Synod of Whitby... uhuh. Yeah. I didn't know much about Charlemagne, either, which, considering I wrote an ESSAY on him (very badly researched; I'll be lucky to get 16. *cries*) is really quite sad. I somehow convinced myself that none of this would be a problem, because I knew SO much about the early stuff, and besides, you could choose what to define. I just... wouldn't choose anything about monks. So there.
Did all four previous maths tests in a row, and concluded I was Royally Screwed. Do you know how pathetic it feels to get a question wrong on a test you originally got full marks for? Uh huh. Yeah. So Tuesday was (yet another) day of panic; I had come to realise that there was absolutely no way I had time to prepare for my Maths and History exams on Wednesday. Ce la vie, huh? Also, had maths coaching again. Matt was all, "You'll be fiiiiiiiiiiine," and I was all, "NO I WON'T."
Start to period. Suspicion that universe really IS against me.
Wednesday: Woke up having slept very badly. Went to bed early, but didn't get to sleep until way later than usual, which given I'm a permanent insomniac is actually very bad. When I did get to sleep, I kept waking up. And finally, I had one of the worst nightmares I can ever remember. (Exactly a week after that nightmare about the english essay, just for interest's sake.) It was a dream within a dream; in the main dream, I went to bed early- just like in real life- but fell asleep immediately. When I woke up the next day (in the dream), I had an IT assignment I hadn't finished because I'd been so tired on top of my exams. Extreme stress! But what made it so terrible was the dream I had when I was asleep inside the dream. It was a dream about being molested, and what made is so AWFUL was that I could feel it. It's... it... hurt. There was a hand clawing at my side and that hurt the most, pervesely. It. Was really painful. And the really strange part was that it was more vivid than anything I'm capable of feeling in real life. I mean, I used to be really ticklish, but while I'm still really easily hurt physically, it's like my nerves have just become... detached? I don't know. Anyway. I just don't feel stuff much, but in this dream, the pain was making me scream and thrash and cry and the crying was the worst part and I was screaming "DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME, IT HURTS!" and... yeah. It's impossible to describe, I guess. And then when I woke up (in the main dream) I was really shaken and could still feel the pain and then had all that other stress to deal with. And then later in the dream I was with Ashie and- someone else? I think- waiting for one of them to see a psychologist, but then the dream came back with full force and I could feel the pain just as much as the first time and I started thrashing and screaming and crying uncontrollably again and they tried to restrain me but that made me scream more. The psychologist said maybe I was repressing something.
The worst part was having to go through that terrible pain twice. And... my reaction. In the dream. Pain has never made me go that psychotic before, and it just... sort of showed how bad it was. Um. Yeah. I can still remember how it felt. Though not vividly like in the dream. I guess it must have really shaken me up, cause look how much I wrote about it... huh. Anyway, never mind all this. Just a nightmare, even if it was a particularly bad one.
The maths exam in the morning wasn't too bad. I finished with half an hour to spare, and checked my paper and wasn't too displeased by it. Then, as soon as I handed it in, I remembered I had actually FORGOTTEN to prove one of the questions. I like, fully got halfway through it and forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I checked through it, and STILL didn't twig. I could have DONE it, which is the worst part. And that was a 40% exam too. *feels dumb* You know the really sad thing? I got 565 as the answer to one of the questions, and my immediate thought was "Hey! That's the year Justinian died! ... wait, why am I thinking about history?" Ahem. Yes. Mum picked me up and I went home between exams. Came back, talked to Chrissy, rocked up to history exam. History exam, as per usual, crammed an hour and a half's worth of paper into an hour of allowed time. It was also on hard obscure shit. There was some stuff I knew really well; then there was the stuff I completely bullshitted my way through. I don't know how I did; hopefully not too badly, because if my Charlemagne essay was as crap as I thought, I can't AFFORD to. Was simultaneously amused and horrified by the appearance of that Polycarp document in the documents section- brought back memories of last year's year 12 bitching about their Mediaeval exam in 2002 and how they had this document about "Polycarp" and they were all, "Polycarp? WTF? KILL ME!" *wry smile*
Went home, studied for Japanese. After spending a ridiculous amount of time, somewhere in the order of 4-5 hours, writing letters in Japanese. Then I decided "screw this for a lark" and exited my room to use the computer. Hand KILLING. Bloody Testing Week. So I eventually decided to play the Card Captor Sakura game, and tried to delude myself into believing that it was study. Really. It was in Japanese! I understood it! It was helping!
To quote Yuka: "ONEESAMA!" *glare*
Me R teh sux. *grin*
Today: Another night of not-so-great sleep, though thankfully unmolested sleep. There was a nightmare, but I've already forgotten it so it can't have been TOO bad. I think. Eh. Got to school an hour before my Japanese exam, and Mari edited one of my practice letters. Mari? I've said it before, I know, and I'll say it again, but OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH *HEART*! If I don't fail my Japanese exam it will be thanks to you! (Okagesamade...And it would be helpful if my brain would stop thinking in keigo now, thanks. Oo;) If the general populace wants even a vague indication of how bizarre the letter I wrote in my exam was, I did at some point start babbling about the book 'Dear Daddy Long Legs'. Um. Yes. *embarrassed cough* But! It's ooooooooover. THANK GOD. But it didn't actually end there. *scowl* Oh, NO. No, it didn't. After Small House rehearsal (am going to make public fool of self, as Glebe is Disorganised), and talking to 'mouto-chan for a bit, and hanging around watching J-pop clips in the IT centre, Mr Brown informs me there is a PROBLEM WITH MY IT ASSIGNMENT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The one I handed in last Friday! (You know what's really freaky? The way that it was sort of like the dream from Wedne- shutting up.)
So I had to stay around in the IT centre fixing my assignment until 4:30, because suddenly a whole heap of stuff that had been working when I submitted was MAGICALLY NOT WORKING. Argh. There's still two things that WERE working that just aren't any more despite the fact that the coding should be perfectly alright, so I gave up in defeat and resubmitted. Please dear GOD let my mark for it not be too painful. Anyway, I hadn't had lunch, because I was supposed to go home for lunch. I had work at 5. I had to run half the way home, and by the time I got there I was dizzy and my lungs hurt and my legs felt so weak I thought I'd collapse. And I didn't even have time for lunch. I had small snack-food, then I had to go to work until 9.30 and didn't get dinner until I came home. *pout* So... yeah. Now I have a 5 day weekend. I intend to take advantage of this fact. *happy sigh* And no more assessment after that, either! Only a week and a half, then REAL HOLIDAYS. W00t! Maybe I'll play Card Captor Sakura some more now...
ETA:
PS- I finished Super Mario Bros. 2 on Tuesday. I am fully aware of how pathetic this is.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:32 am (UTC)Although frankly the Super Mario Bros thing is also troubling. :b
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:35 am (UTC)As for Mario Bros, yes. Yes, I know. *giggle*
Hey, Ponder and Vic are still in AM right? Cause I want to invite them out for post-exam drinking.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:36 am (UTC)Theme song!
ErrrI think they're leaving today. How poopy.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:39 am (UTC)I do extremes well. And that IS poopy, yes. *pout*
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:41 am (UTC)So unless they went last night...which seems irresponsible...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 06:01 pm (UTC)