tammaiya | Crack!fic.

No, I don't know what I was thinking. I would blame this on Cori, but all she said was "Ooh! YnM!" when I decided to write fic-on-crack at 5am. About half of it was written between then and 7 am; the majority of the other half was written in the past hour or two.

Yes, this is truly sleep-deprivation!crack fic. You've been warned.

Title: ~~Hell if I know. It HAS one?~~ The Joys of Motherhood
Rating: PG
Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Genre: Humour
Pairings: Slight Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi + Watari
Word Count 2910
Notes: It's on crack! I claim no responsibility for it, I swear! Also, X-posted to

insaneidiot.
Summary: Watari has fun with his latest potion.

“You’re insane!”
“Don’t be silly, it’s a perfectly logical-”
“Watari, if you put that in the coffee the entire division will KILL you!”
“… They can’t, I’m already dead.”
“But! Tatsumi!”
“What about him?”
“He’ll strangle you! With his bare hands! Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, Watari…”
A pause. “Sorry, not going to work, Tsuzuki. Maybe it’s enough to melt Bon and the boss man, but I know better.”
Tsuzuki pouted, then grinned. “Hey, did you just call Tatsumi soft?”
Watari chuckled. “I didn’t say anything.”
“Infer, then.”
“Would I do a thing like that?” Watari asked sweetly, pulling the stopper out of the beaker he had been fiddling with the past ten minutes with an evil glint in his amber eyes.
“Well, yes, of course- oh, no, you’re not really going to do it, are you?”
Watari smirked as he tipped the contents of the beaker into the office percolator. “Look on the bright side, Tsuzuki- at least you won’t be affected by it!”
“I’ll be implicated!” Tsuzuki moaned. “Accessory to the crime! They’ll all blame me for not stopping you!”
Watari shrugged and sniggered. “Oh well. You’ll be one of the few who can be a man about it, huh?”
“That wasn’t funny, Wat- wait, are you going to…?”
“Hey, I want to see the effects first hand!”
Whimper. “Wai, I don’t want to die again…”
High-pitched giggle. “Look, it worked and nothing exploded! Honestly, Tsuzuki, you worry too much.”
“You- you- eek!”
Eye roll. “Quit gawking. Quick, let’s get out of here before anyone comes in.”
“But you- you’re… Watari!”
“Yes, I am,” Watari agreed placidly, grabbing a very shocked Tsuzuki’s arm and dragging him out of the break room and back to the lab. “Let’s haul ass before we’re completely busted.”
“As if anyone ELSE is going to be responsible,” Tsuzuki muttered nervously, and wondered how he managed to get himself involved in Watari’s crazy schemes.
It was going to be a very interesting day.

“At last, I can experience the joys of motherhood!” Watari cackled madly, dancing around the lab with a concerned 003 fluttering around behind him, looping wildly to avoid her human’s flailing arms.
Tsuzuki stared. “But, but… Aren’t you going to reverse it?”
Watari froze mid-twirl, blinking. “Huh? Oh, yeah.” Shrugging, he- she? returned to her gleeful spinning.
Tsuzuki wondered if he was asleep. He hoped so. If he were, he’d have to remember what he’d eaten before he’d gone to bed and never eat it ever again to prevent weird scary dreams like this. Well, maybe not ever again. Never before going to sleep, certainly.
“Oi, Tsuzuki, what time is it?”
Startled from his musings, Tsuzuki’s head jerked up. “Huh? Oh. 11.”
Watari’s grin was pure evil. “Excellent! Morning tea break! I estimate we will be receiving visitors in 5… 4… 3…”
“Oh shit!” Tsuzuki squeaked, and hid behind the lab benches.
“…2…1…”
BANG!
“WATARI YUTAKA, YOU WILL PAY!”
Tsuzuki almost choked. Still quite a low voice, but undeniably that of a woman… Swallowing, he peeked over the edge of the bench and almost fainted. Woman. Tatsumi. Tatsumi was…
Trying to throttle Watari. Hm, that had never happened before.
“Hey, hey, calm down boss man!” Watari choked. Somehow that seemed to piss Tatsumi off even more, and Tsuzuki winced.
“Boss man?” Tatsumi hissed. “Look at what you’ve done to me!”
Perhaps Tatsumi was being affected by female hormones? Watari mused silently. Watari had never seen him quite this… excitable before. Then again, it could be the shock of discovering your latest cup of coffee has resulted in a gender-switch. That would be understandably quite traumatising. Note to self, investigate at later date when the Shadow Master didn’t seem quite so set on killing him a second time. “Isn’t it great?” Watari answered brightly. “I’ve been trying to get this potion to work for years!”
With a rather disgusted growl, Tatsumi released the errant scientist and began rhythmically bashing his- well, technically her, but it just wasn’t possible to think of Tatsumi in terms of the female pronoun- head against the wall. Watari blinked. “Uh, Tatsumi?”
“What?” he snapped, still beating his head against the wall.
“Doesn’t that… hurt?”
“Shut up.”
“Right.”

Eventually Tsuzuki did venture out of the lab in search of food. This was quite possibly the stupidest thing he had done all day.
“Tsuzuki?”
Tensing, Tsuzuki turned to see… “Wakaba?” he said blankly.
“Hey, you’re still male,” Wakaba commented. “I’d avoid the coffee if I were you. Watari… did something.”
Tsuzuki laughed weakly, mind still reeling from the very concept of male Wakaba. “Um, yeah. No kidding.”
“There’re still some cupcakes in the break room if you want some, Tsuzuki,” Wakaba added with a wink. “I left them especially for you.”
“Sank-you, Wakaba!” Tsuzuki exclaimed enthusiastically, the prospect of sweet things overcoming the numbing shock of Wakaba being anything but a girl. He had just turned to bounce off to the kitchen in search of his inanimate prey, when-
“YOU!”
-deer-in-headlights. Tsuzuki came to a screeching halt and fervently began to pray to his Shikigami. It couldn’t be… please, no… he already had enough nightmares!
“You have something to do with this, you brainless twit!”
Tsuzuki cringed. Someone higher up really didn’t like him.
Wait, he already knew that.
“Why would it be my fault?” Tsuzuki squeaked, backpedaling into a wall.
“Because you haven’t changed,” Terazuma snarled nastily. “You had to know! And you didn’t stop it, did you?”
Why was it that he was the one copping the flack for Watari’s potion, Tsuzuki wondered mournfully? He knew this was going to happen. Although, seeing female Tatsumi chew Watari out was kind of worth it…
Then again, nothing was worth being accosted by female Terazuma. “Hey, Terazuma, you don’t make a very good girl,” Tsuzuki said faintly, almost hitting himself as soon as the words were out of his mouth. That wasn’t smart- now he was in for it.
“I don’t make a good fucking GIRL?” Terazuma shrieked, practically in hysterics. “Of course I fucking don’t! I can’t even usually TOUCH girls! Kuro is cowering! He refuses to come out! He’s lost it! I’VE lost it!” Terazuma promptly burst into tears, and Tsuzuki felt honestly traumatised, wondering if he should mention this to Watari or try to repress it. Wakaba, looking rather frightened, immediately ran over to hug the distraught pseudo-female Shinigami.
“Don’t-” Terazuma protested loudly, but too late to do any good. There was a frozen second where absolutely nothing happened, Wakaba and Terazuma staring at each other in shock.
“No Kuro,” Wakaba breathed, face slowly lighting up.
Tsuzuki could have pointed out that Kuro was in hiding, or that Wakaba was technically not a girl, but he didn’t. Instead, he counted his lucky blessings that Terazuma was distracted and made a break for it, back in the direction from whence he came. He found he wasn’t quite so hungry any more, and he shuddered to think how upset that must mean he was feeling.
“Tsu… Tsu…”
Huh? Oh, no, he couldn’t take any more of this, no, no, no-
Fearfully, Tsuzuki turned to meet scared green eyes.
Oh shit.
“Hi… Hisoka?”
“Tsuzuki, save me!” Hisoka wailed, clutching desperately at the front of Tsuzuki’s shirt, apparently too distressed to even comment on the suspicious fact that Tsuzuki was, against all the odds, male.
Tsuzuki felt his blood run cold and his eyes narrowed before common sense caught up. His immediate impulse was to blame Muraki, but he relaxed slightly when he remembered they were in the Meifu-
And found he had lost his ability to inhale when the concept of female Muraki hit his poor unsuspecting brain.
“Tsuzuki… are you okay?” Hisoka sounded concerned.
“Fine,” Tsuzuki wheezed, and then stared in complete and utter confusion. Why was Hisoka being so nice and, and worried and… and… adjectives were failing him. He was struggling to describe this, he realised dimly. There were just no words to express his current situation.
Hisoka, noticing he was still holding onto Tsuzuki, flushed a brilliant fuchsia and jumped back. “Um, sorry!”
“Hisoka, are YOU okay?” Tsuzuki asked nervously. Hisoka wasn’t acting like Hisoka; Hisoka was much crankier than this. “You don’t have a fever, do you?”
“No!” Hisoka yelped, perhaps a little too vehemently. Damn teenage female hormones making him so… so… girly! He could handle his own hormones; they weren’t convenient, but at least he knew what to do with them! Well… most of the time, anyway. More than he did now, certainly.
It was all Tsuzuki’s fault, he decided, and glared, cheeks still tinged with pink.
Tsuzuki felt mildly relieved by the glare, perversely enough. “You wanted help?” he asked meekly.
The glare intensified briefly and then abated as Hisoka remembered why he’d been so glad to see Tsuzuki in the first place. Paling, he glanced over his shoulder fearfully and grabbed Tsuzuki’s arm, tugging. “You’ve got to hide me!” he hissed urgently. “Quickly, before-”
“HI~SOOOOOOOOOOKA! WHERE AAAARE YOU?”
Hisoka flinched and sighed. “Too late.”
Tsuzuki was nothing if not bemused. “Hisoka, what-?”
There was a disturbingly male squeal, and then chaos broke loose. “Where did you go, silly boy? We just wanted to have fun!” the first one exclaimed- Tsuzuki was quite sure it had been the one who had squealed- and latched onto Hisoka with a strangle hold.
The other nodded rapidly, giggling in a way that sent shivers down the spine of the wary. “You make such a cute girl, Hisoka! We just want to dress you up!”
Hisoka whimpered, pleading for help with his eyes.
Tsuzuki stared, utterly floored. Yuma and Saya… were male. They were still wearing their usual clothes. They were male. What?
They did have a point about Hisoka being a cute girl, though. Then again, Hisoka was always cute-
Wait, bad Tsuzuki, your partner needs you! No biscuit!
Galvanised into action, Tsuzuki pasted on his most appealing smile and turned to the psycho-happy Shinigami pair. “Saya… Yuma… you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed Hisoka, would you?”
He could almost see the love hearts floating above their heads as they all but melted into happy goo. It felt quite odd to get that reaction from people who were outwardly male.
“Go ahead, Tsuzuki,” Saya said dreamily. “We’ll catch him later.”
“Thanks!” Tsuzuki said cheerfully, grabbing Hisoka by the arm and yanking him away to a relatively safe corner of the office. “So, ‘Soka-”
Tsuzuki was cut off when Hisoka threw his arms around his neck, kissing him firmly on the lips before turning a rather fluorescent red and pulling away.
“Um, thanks,” Hisoka mumbled, and ran off without another word.
“Huh?” Tsuzuki said intelligently, still standing exactly where Hisoka had left him looking rather flustered. “But… what?”
He’d rescued Hisoka plenty of times from much worse before without getting a kiss for his efforts. Then again, Hisoka had never been a girl before. But why should that make a difference?
This was making his head hurt.
Shaking his head, Tsuzuki concluded that it would be wise to just hide in the lab for the rest of the day to spare him any more encounters with Terazuma, or worse, Tatsumi.
Still, he mused as he crept warily through the halls, it wasn’t so bad. After all, Hisoka liked him!
Even if it wasn’t really Hisoka. What if Hisoka didn’t like him any more once he turned back into a guy? That was a worrying thought. Then again, that shouldn’t have anything to do with anything. But why was Hisoka acting differently? On the other hand, though, different hormones just affected how you acted, not how you felt. But what if Hisoka was being affected by some, some primal female instinct or, or something? Actually, that was kind of stupid now he thought about it. Still, though…
Everything was making his head hurt.

“No funding. Ever. Do you hear me? No pay for the rest of eternity!”
“But Tatsumi~iii!” Watari whined, clutching at the Secretary’s jacket. “That’s meeeeeeean!”
Tatsumi either ignored him or was so caught up in his righteous ranting that he hadn’t even heard. “No one’s getting any work done! The division is in complete chaos! Konoe is a woman and he’s not happy!” Tatsumi paused. “Alright, maybe not. He didn’t seem all that upset, but I’d rather not go there. Regardless, nobody else is happy! You have a lot of unhappy Shinigami who are going to want to kill you, and rest assured I will do nothing to stop them! In fact, right now I want to kill you!”
“Konoe’s a woman?” Watari asked, eyes wide as he contemplated this. “I don’t think he’d make a very pretty woman.”
“It’s not like he’s a very pretty man either,” Tsuzuki pointed out tactfully from the doorway, then meeped and made his stage exit at Tatsumi’s glare.
“Well, no, but he’d make an even less pretty woman,” Watari said decisively, apparently not noticing that Tsuzuki had departed for the elusive safer environs.
Tatsumi was treating him to a very dangerous look, though it seemed to have very little effect. “Watari, did you hear a word of what I just said?”
“I heard you say Konoe’s a woman,” Watari answered helpfully, teeth bared in a massive guileless grin.
‘I will not strangle Watari, I will not strangle Watari…’
Watari sniggered softly when he observed the twitches the shadows in the lab were making and the very rhythmic way Tatsumi was clenching and unclenching his fists. ‘I wonder if he’s counting to ten?’
Tatsumi-baiting was so very fun.
“Oi, Tatsumi, wanna be the father of my child?”
With a grin that was nothing short of evil, Watari patiently waited for the delayed reaction as his comment filtered through Tatsumi’s mental processes, stopped, was processed again, and then caused system breakdown.
“What?”
Bingo. If Tatsumi had been drinking something, it would have been sprayed all over the place. Pity that he wasn’t, but you can’t have everything in life.
Careful to internalise the manic smirk, Watari fluttered his eyelashes as innocently as possible. “Now that I’ve finally managed the gender-change potion, it’s as good a time as any to experience-” dramatic pose- “the JOYS OF MOTHERHOOD!”
Tatsumi looked like he might faint. “Watari, have you completely lost your mind?” he demanded, clearly bewildered.
“You’re saying I hadn’t before? Aw, that’s so sweet, Tatsumi!” Watari cooed, then cackled at the expression on Tatsumi’s face, rolling his eyes at Tatsumi’s gullibility. “That was way too easy, boss man.”
Tatsumi made a brief stop-off through intense relief before arriving at really very cranky, eye twitching. “Watari, do you want me to hurt you?” he asked calmly.
Watari contemplated answering with something along the lines of ‘kinky!’, but decided against it for health reasons. “Uh… no?”
“Then do not continue to provoke me!” Tatsumi snapped, and stalked out of the lab with Watari trailing at his heels. “Besides, even if you were serious it wouldn’t work,” he muttered as an afterthought, possibly determined to get the last word.
Watari stopped mid-step, debating between being mildly insulted and being curious. Curiosity won out. “Why not?”
“Because thanks to you, I’m female, you idiot,” Tatsumi said exasperatedly.
Watari blinked at him. “Uh… you do know that you could reverse it by taking another sip of the potion, right?”
There was deathly silence, and Watari realised that the entire division was staring at him. A pin dropping would have sounded as loud as a temple gong. “Guys?”
“Then why are you still female?” Tatsumi asked eventually, words slow and measured in the way that shows the speaker isn’t sure they would really like to know the answer.
Watari shrugged carelessly. “Why not? I was going to change back at the end of the day.”
The deafening silence resumed, this time with a hint of menace. Watari was quite certain that it indicated a near-future threat of painful missile objects colliding with his head, and as he was many things but none of them a masochist, he figured that now was a good time to provide a distraction. “Isn’t the tainted coffee still in the break room?”
The ensuing stampede was more than ample for Watari to slip away to temporary safety. Sure, he’d be lynched tomorrow, but it had been worth it!
He was about to slink off back to his apartment when one very important thing occurred to him: he was still female. “Drat!” he exclaimed, wondering if it was worth risking it to go back for the potion.
“Looking for this?” Tatsumi said idly, holding the potion in his hand with an amused quirk of his eyebrow, clearly very satisfied with his restored gender.
“Maybe?” Watari hedged, trying to look as cute and defenceless as he could.
Tatsumi snorted wryly. “Next time you pull a stunt like this I will do something incredibly nasty,” he warned, handing the potion over to the eager scientist.
Watari looked hopeful. “No pay docking this time?”
Tatsumi considered it, tempted to change his mind but not wanting to have to put up with a pleading Watari for the next who-knew-how-long until he caved again. He may as well just spare himself the pain. “No. After all, at least you didn’t blow anything up.”
“Whoo!” Watari cheered, dancing madly on the spot.
“-On one condition.”
“… Uh oh.”
“Find some way to make Konoe turn back into a man or I’m deducting the counselling fees from the entire division from your funding.”