Subaru angst. God help me.
Jul. 6th, 2004 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tammaiyaTitle: Letting Go
Fandom: X
Genre: ANGST
Pairing: Seishirou/Subaru
Rating: PG
Word Count: 652
Notes: You NEED to read it while listening to Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do". That's an order. X-posted as per usual.
Warnings: Spoilers for 16. Um. And Cori said "OW", so I guess that's a warning too.
Summary: Subaru angsts, post Rainbow Bridge.
I can almost feel the way a blade would feel sliding along my wrists, the way the pain would burn and the blood would dye everything red. It’s nearly tangible, and as I sit there smoking my last cigarette I wish I could bring myself to make the feeling reality. I wish yet again that Seishirou had killed me; it wouldn’t be my fault, then. I wouldn’t have the weight of leaving Kamui behind with no one left to understand what he’s going through pressing upon my conscience.
Inhale, blow a cloud of smoke. My hand is shaking, and I can feel that my cheeks are damp. I’ve never been good at letting go; it’s nine years, and Hokuto still haunts my dreams every night. You did too, obviously. At least I could hate you then.
God, I miss you. I don’t know why I can’t move on; you killed my sister, you took everything away from me, but I still love you. And now you’re gone too, not just avoiding me but dead.
I killed you. That was never what I wanted, didn’t you understand? I wanted you to kill me. Looks like you wanted it the other way round. I can’t erase your smile from my mind, the smile when you told me what I’d wanted to hear for nine years. It was a real smile, not a smirk. Were you happy, Seishirou? I guess… I’m glad I made you feel.
This wouldn’t be so painful if I still believed you had never cared, though.
I close my eyes, and it’s like I can feel you with me, a ghost of lips across mine and arms holding me near, but all I can taste is tears. Roughly, I scrub a hand across my eyes and let my head fall into my hand wearily. It’s enough to make me break down, and now my shoulders are shaking as I cry like my heart is breaking. It isn’t; it’s already broken. You had ripped it apart nine years ago, and the broken pieces shattered when I saw your blood on my hand.
The ash from the cigarette is crumbling to the floor, but I don’t really notice. It could start a fire. I don’t really care.
I wonder if you and Hokuto can still see me from wherever you are. Do you feel guilty? Do you regret leaving me alone? I wouldn’t have believed it of you once, but now I have to believe you can feel. It doesn’t help. Hokuto would be angry with me, I think. It was always the way she coped with things that hurt her. I wish she was here, just for tonight; I need someone to hold me, but no one but you or her would do. I know Kamui would try for me if I just reached out… but I can’t. I don’t want to.
If I died, would you both be there? God, I hope so. I’d forgive you anything just for one moment of happiness, the three of us together the way we used to be. That was the best year of my life, you know. Ironic.
The cigarette falls to the floor and I watch it numbly as it goes out, the last embers dying like my will to go on. All I feel is detached disappointment that it hadn’t burned the apartment down. It wouldn’t be the best way to go, but fire purifies, doesn’t it? Maybe it would burn the void inside me away.
With a sigh, I flop back onto the bed and close my eyes again, sinking into a half-sleep. I have to believe there’s something for me after death. I’ll be patient, I’ll wait and hope for death while I fall apart inch by inch, and for now I’ll do my best for Kamui. I won’t wish, though.
Wishes aren’t something I can believe in any more.
Fandom: X
Genre: ANGST
Pairing: Seishirou/Subaru
Rating: PG
Word Count: 652
Notes: You NEED to read it while listening to Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do". That's an order. X-posted as per usual.
Warnings: Spoilers for 16. Um. And Cori said "OW", so I guess that's a warning too.
Summary: Subaru angsts, post Rainbow Bridge.
I can almost feel the way a blade would feel sliding along my wrists, the way the pain would burn and the blood would dye everything red. It’s nearly tangible, and as I sit there smoking my last cigarette I wish I could bring myself to make the feeling reality. I wish yet again that Seishirou had killed me; it wouldn’t be my fault, then. I wouldn’t have the weight of leaving Kamui behind with no one left to understand what he’s going through pressing upon my conscience.
Inhale, blow a cloud of smoke. My hand is shaking, and I can feel that my cheeks are damp. I’ve never been good at letting go; it’s nine years, and Hokuto still haunts my dreams every night. You did too, obviously. At least I could hate you then.
God, I miss you. I don’t know why I can’t move on; you killed my sister, you took everything away from me, but I still love you. And now you’re gone too, not just avoiding me but dead.
I killed you. That was never what I wanted, didn’t you understand? I wanted you to kill me. Looks like you wanted it the other way round. I can’t erase your smile from my mind, the smile when you told me what I’d wanted to hear for nine years. It was a real smile, not a smirk. Were you happy, Seishirou? I guess… I’m glad I made you feel.
This wouldn’t be so painful if I still believed you had never cared, though.
I close my eyes, and it’s like I can feel you with me, a ghost of lips across mine and arms holding me near, but all I can taste is tears. Roughly, I scrub a hand across my eyes and let my head fall into my hand wearily. It’s enough to make me break down, and now my shoulders are shaking as I cry like my heart is breaking. It isn’t; it’s already broken. You had ripped it apart nine years ago, and the broken pieces shattered when I saw your blood on my hand.
The ash from the cigarette is crumbling to the floor, but I don’t really notice. It could start a fire. I don’t really care.
I wonder if you and Hokuto can still see me from wherever you are. Do you feel guilty? Do you regret leaving me alone? I wouldn’t have believed it of you once, but now I have to believe you can feel. It doesn’t help. Hokuto would be angry with me, I think. It was always the way she coped with things that hurt her. I wish she was here, just for tonight; I need someone to hold me, but no one but you or her would do. I know Kamui would try for me if I just reached out… but I can’t. I don’t want to.
If I died, would you both be there? God, I hope so. I’d forgive you anything just for one moment of happiness, the three of us together the way we used to be. That was the best year of my life, you know. Ironic.
The cigarette falls to the floor and I watch it numbly as it goes out, the last embers dying like my will to go on. All I feel is detached disappointment that it hadn’t burned the apartment down. It wouldn’t be the best way to go, but fire purifies, doesn’t it? Maybe it would burn the void inside me away.
With a sigh, I flop back onto the bed and close my eyes again, sinking into a half-sleep. I have to believe there’s something for me after death. I’ll be patient, I’ll wait and hope for death while I fall apart inch by inch, and for now I’ll do my best for Kamui. I won’t wish, though.
Wishes aren’t something I can believe in any more.
