More DVD commentary
Aug. 19th, 2004 12:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tammaiyaYAY. Short! No italics! Original is here.
Not sure how much depth there is to this fic, but we shall see.
Okay, first of all, I wrote this at about 4AM after watching a whole lot of depressing Seishirou/Subaru vids, and I wrote it to the song "Do What You Have To Do", the main line of which is "I don't know how to let you go".
It's a very Subaru song. You are beginning to see how this fic ended up the way it did, aren't you.
I can almost feel the way a blade would feel sliding along my wrists, the way the pain would burn and the blood would dye everything red. It’s nearly tangible, and as I sit there smoking my last cigarette I wish I could bring myself to make the feeling reality. I wish yet again that Seishirou had killed me; it wouldn’t be my fault, then. I wouldn’t have the weight of leaving Kamui behind with no one left to understand what he’s going through pressing upon my conscience.
First of all, Subaru's imagining slicing his wrists- it's one of the more poetic and bloody deaths, so I personally don't find much doubt that this would be the way he'd choose to kill himself. I know his tarot is the hanged man, and I'm sure it would be all very symbolic if he tried to hang himself, but... I don't know, it just doesn't strike me as Subaru's method. Blood is beautiful; Seishirou loved blood. Therefore, the most beautiful death in Subaru's eyes, now that he's been deprived of death by Seishirou's hands, would be slitting his wrists. As for being able to almost feel it, when you crave something like that it's is like you can actually feel the bite of the blade on your skin, and it becomes an almost-physical craving. An itch, sort of, that needs to be scratched.
As for not being able to kill himself, Subaru's sense of duty is somewhat staggering. He's had it pounded into him since he was a little child, after all, and I doubt he'd be capable of choosing to escape his destiny, especially not with Kamui depending on him. That would be another reason to hope for Seishirou killing him; not only is it a perfect end, not only would he finally mean something to Seishirou in his death, it wouldn't be his fault. Who could blame Subaru for falling in battle with his opposite? He does, after all, put up at least a semblence of a fight at every encounter.
Inhale, blow a cloud of smoke. My hand is shaking, and I can feel that my cheeks are damp. I’ve never been good at letting go; it’s nine years, and Hokuto still haunts my dreams every night. You did too, obviously. At least I could hate you then.
God, I miss you. I don’t know why I can’t move on; you killed my sister, you took everything away from me, but I still love you. And now you’re gone too, not just avoiding me but dead.
People often comment on how obsessed Seishirou is, but in a way Subaru's obsession is much deeper and scarier. We know that Seishirou is warped; it's not really unexpected he would cling to the one thing he marked as his, given his upbringing by Setsuka and his complete lack of emotional ties to anyone to Subaru. Besides which, Subaru is marked as his by magic.
Now, on the other hand, Subaru appeared relatively normal in TB. Orphaned, yes, naive, definitely, and very much possessed of an overbearing twin sister, but he seemed quite happy and well-adjusted for his position as Sumeragi clan head. However, when you think about it, the only person he was attached to is Hokuto. All it took was a year for him to become similarly attached to Seishirou, which should be enough to set off some serious warning bells- Seishirou breaks his heart and kills his sister, but Subaru can't let go. Why? Because the only anchors he had were Seishirou and Hokuto, and so the need to hold on to the one thing he had left transmuted into a full-blown obsession. He would have recovered from Hokuto's death much quicker if she had been the only thing there for him, strange as that is; he would have had to sink or swim, evolve into someone who can interract with others, but because Seishirou was still tying him to what he was, he instead crumbles in on himself and continues his isolation, which nurtures the obsession.
I killed you. That was never what I wanted, didn’t you understand? I wanted you to kill me. Looks like you wanted it the other way round. I can’t erase your smile from my mind, the smile when you told me what I’d wanted to hear for nine years. It was a real smile, not a smirk. Were you happy, Seishirou? I guess… I’m glad I made you feel.
How would it feel, hearing that? Those are the words he'd spent most of his life wanting to hear, but wouldn't it make him think that the death of his sister was for nothing? That it was all for nothing, just because he hadn't called Seishirou's bluff? He doesn't know that Seishirou loved him then, of course, and nor does he know for sure that Seishirou wouldn't have killed him regardless, but the doubt is there.
This wouldn’t be so painful if I still believed you had never cared, though.
Um. Yeah. OUCH. That's kind of simultaneously the best and worse thing Seishirou could have possibly said. Subaru has finally gotten what he wants, but it's a cold and ironic comfort; the knowledge that Seishirou loved him may have saved him and given him purpose, except for the fact that it's rather too late. It just emphasises everything he's lost.
I close my eyes, and it’s like I can feel you with me, a ghost of lips across mine and arms holding me near, but all I can taste is tears. Roughly, I scrub a hand across my eyes and let my head fall into my hand wearily. It’s enough to make me break down, and now my shoulders are shaking as I cry like my heart is breaking. It isn’t; it’s already broken. You had ripped it apart nine years ago, and the broken pieces shattered when I saw your blood on my hand.
Seishirou breaks him again and again. And Subaru is going just a little bit crazy in his depression.
The ash from the cigarette is crumbling to the floor, but I don’t really notice. It could start a fire. I don’t really care.
Subaru is beyond giving a damn about his surroundings. Furthermore, if it started a fire, it's another way to die that is technically not his fault.
I wonder if you and Hokuto can still see me from wherever you are. Do you feel guilty? Do you regret leaving me alone? I wouldn’t have believed it of you once, but now I have to believe you can feel. It doesn’t help. Hokuto would be angry with me, I think. It was always the way she coped with things that hurt her. I wish she was here, just for tonight; I need someone to hold me, but no one but you or her would do. I know Kamui would try for me if I just reached out… but I can’t. I don’t want to.
And Subaru's intrinsic concern for others surfaces again. He could go to Kamui, yes, but it would essentially be using him; it wouldn't help either of them, and in fact would make things worse. Kamui can't replace Seishirou or Hokuto, and trying to force him into a mould like that would be heading down the path of destruction.
If I died, would you both be there? God, I hope so. I’d forgive you anything just for one moment of happiness, the three of us together the way we used to be. That was the best year of my life, you know. Ironic.
Very ironic that the worst moment of his life sprang from the best, but it makes a lot of sense. The higher you go, the further you have to fall.
The cigarette falls to the floor and I watch it numbly as it goes out, the last embers dying like my will to go on. All I feel is detached disappointment that it hadn’t burned the apartment down. It wouldn’t be the best way to go, but fire purifies, doesn’t it? Maybe it would burn the void inside me away.
And here's where the symbolism kicks in. Candles, or in this case the cigarette, is a symbol of life. Thus, when it is snuffed out, a person dies. It can also be a symbol for the soul, though, so in mixing metaphors, it's basically a metaphor for the death of Subaru's soul. Another symbolic thing with fire is purification, of course. Given Subaru's loss of innocence, death by fire would be almost as appropriate as a death steeped in blood; both of them close a full circle, but it's a slightly different circle. One brings closure to Subaru's life in general (fire), and the other brings closure to Subaru's life with Seishirou (blood).
He'd prefer the latter, of course, but either would suffice.
With a sigh, I flop back onto the bed and close my eyes again, sinking into a half-sleep. I have to believe there’s something for me after death. I’ll be patient, I’ll wait and hope for death while I fall apart inch by inch, and for now I’ll do my best for Kamui. I won’t wish, though.
I'm not sure how precisely Subaru expects them to just pick up where they left off in TB after all they've been through. I mean, yeah, Seishirou loves him, but there's still a helluva lotta residual issues there. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were just because he has Hokuto back and Seishirou cares. Nevertheless, death does bring a second chance of a kind. I'm sure they'd all sort something out eventually.
Wishes aren’t something I can believe in any more.
Well, of course not. His one main wish, and it went horribly, horribly wrong.
That's not very fair, is it? Seishirou wins to the last.
Anyway, ze end. I now feel kind of mean for not letting Subaru commit suicide, but anyway.
And I even made an icon for it. It's that serious/angsty icon I've been so clearly in need of!
Not sure how much depth there is to this fic, but we shall see.
Okay, first of all, I wrote this at about 4AM after watching a whole lot of depressing Seishirou/Subaru vids, and I wrote it to the song "Do What You Have To Do", the main line of which is "I don't know how to let you go".
It's a very Subaru song. You are beginning to see how this fic ended up the way it did, aren't you.
I can almost feel the way a blade would feel sliding along my wrists, the way the pain would burn and the blood would dye everything red. It’s nearly tangible, and as I sit there smoking my last cigarette I wish I could bring myself to make the feeling reality. I wish yet again that Seishirou had killed me; it wouldn’t be my fault, then. I wouldn’t have the weight of leaving Kamui behind with no one left to understand what he’s going through pressing upon my conscience.
First of all, Subaru's imagining slicing his wrists- it's one of the more poetic and bloody deaths, so I personally don't find much doubt that this would be the way he'd choose to kill himself. I know his tarot is the hanged man, and I'm sure it would be all very symbolic if he tried to hang himself, but... I don't know, it just doesn't strike me as Subaru's method. Blood is beautiful; Seishirou loved blood. Therefore, the most beautiful death in Subaru's eyes, now that he's been deprived of death by Seishirou's hands, would be slitting his wrists. As for being able to almost feel it, when you crave something like that it's is like you can actually feel the bite of the blade on your skin, and it becomes an almost-physical craving. An itch, sort of, that needs to be scratched.
As for not being able to kill himself, Subaru's sense of duty is somewhat staggering. He's had it pounded into him since he was a little child, after all, and I doubt he'd be capable of choosing to escape his destiny, especially not with Kamui depending on him. That would be another reason to hope for Seishirou killing him; not only is it a perfect end, not only would he finally mean something to Seishirou in his death, it wouldn't be his fault. Who could blame Subaru for falling in battle with his opposite? He does, after all, put up at least a semblence of a fight at every encounter.
Inhale, blow a cloud of smoke. My hand is shaking, and I can feel that my cheeks are damp. I’ve never been good at letting go; it’s nine years, and Hokuto still haunts my dreams every night. You did too, obviously. At least I could hate you then.
God, I miss you. I don’t know why I can’t move on; you killed my sister, you took everything away from me, but I still love you. And now you’re gone too, not just avoiding me but dead.
People often comment on how obsessed Seishirou is, but in a way Subaru's obsession is much deeper and scarier. We know that Seishirou is warped; it's not really unexpected he would cling to the one thing he marked as his, given his upbringing by Setsuka and his complete lack of emotional ties to anyone to Subaru. Besides which, Subaru is marked as his by magic.
Now, on the other hand, Subaru appeared relatively normal in TB. Orphaned, yes, naive, definitely, and very much possessed of an overbearing twin sister, but he seemed quite happy and well-adjusted for his position as Sumeragi clan head. However, when you think about it, the only person he was attached to is Hokuto. All it took was a year for him to become similarly attached to Seishirou, which should be enough to set off some serious warning bells- Seishirou breaks his heart and kills his sister, but Subaru can't let go. Why? Because the only anchors he had were Seishirou and Hokuto, and so the need to hold on to the one thing he had left transmuted into a full-blown obsession. He would have recovered from Hokuto's death much quicker if she had been the only thing there for him, strange as that is; he would have had to sink or swim, evolve into someone who can interract with others, but because Seishirou was still tying him to what he was, he instead crumbles in on himself and continues his isolation, which nurtures the obsession.
I killed you. That was never what I wanted, didn’t you understand? I wanted you to kill me. Looks like you wanted it the other way round. I can’t erase your smile from my mind, the smile when you told me what I’d wanted to hear for nine years. It was a real smile, not a smirk. Were you happy, Seishirou? I guess… I’m glad I made you feel.
How would it feel, hearing that? Those are the words he'd spent most of his life wanting to hear, but wouldn't it make him think that the death of his sister was for nothing? That it was all for nothing, just because he hadn't called Seishirou's bluff? He doesn't know that Seishirou loved him then, of course, and nor does he know for sure that Seishirou wouldn't have killed him regardless, but the doubt is there.
This wouldn’t be so painful if I still believed you had never cared, though.
Um. Yeah. OUCH. That's kind of simultaneously the best and worse thing Seishirou could have possibly said. Subaru has finally gotten what he wants, but it's a cold and ironic comfort; the knowledge that Seishirou loved him may have saved him and given him purpose, except for the fact that it's rather too late. It just emphasises everything he's lost.
I close my eyes, and it’s like I can feel you with me, a ghost of lips across mine and arms holding me near, but all I can taste is tears. Roughly, I scrub a hand across my eyes and let my head fall into my hand wearily. It’s enough to make me break down, and now my shoulders are shaking as I cry like my heart is breaking. It isn’t; it’s already broken. You had ripped it apart nine years ago, and the broken pieces shattered when I saw your blood on my hand.
Seishirou breaks him again and again. And Subaru is going just a little bit crazy in his depression.
The ash from the cigarette is crumbling to the floor, but I don’t really notice. It could start a fire. I don’t really care.
Subaru is beyond giving a damn about his surroundings. Furthermore, if it started a fire, it's another way to die that is technically not his fault.
I wonder if you and Hokuto can still see me from wherever you are. Do you feel guilty? Do you regret leaving me alone? I wouldn’t have believed it of you once, but now I have to believe you can feel. It doesn’t help. Hokuto would be angry with me, I think. It was always the way she coped with things that hurt her. I wish she was here, just for tonight; I need someone to hold me, but no one but you or her would do. I know Kamui would try for me if I just reached out… but I can’t. I don’t want to.
And Subaru's intrinsic concern for others surfaces again. He could go to Kamui, yes, but it would essentially be using him; it wouldn't help either of them, and in fact would make things worse. Kamui can't replace Seishirou or Hokuto, and trying to force him into a mould like that would be heading down the path of destruction.
If I died, would you both be there? God, I hope so. I’d forgive you anything just for one moment of happiness, the three of us together the way we used to be. That was the best year of my life, you know. Ironic.
Very ironic that the worst moment of his life sprang from the best, but it makes a lot of sense. The higher you go, the further you have to fall.
The cigarette falls to the floor and I watch it numbly as it goes out, the last embers dying like my will to go on. All I feel is detached disappointment that it hadn’t burned the apartment down. It wouldn’t be the best way to go, but fire purifies, doesn’t it? Maybe it would burn the void inside me away.
And here's where the symbolism kicks in. Candles, or in this case the cigarette, is a symbol of life. Thus, when it is snuffed out, a person dies. It can also be a symbol for the soul, though, so in mixing metaphors, it's basically a metaphor for the death of Subaru's soul. Another symbolic thing with fire is purification, of course. Given Subaru's loss of innocence, death by fire would be almost as appropriate as a death steeped in blood; both of them close a full circle, but it's a slightly different circle. One brings closure to Subaru's life in general (fire), and the other brings closure to Subaru's life with Seishirou (blood).
He'd prefer the latter, of course, but either would suffice.
With a sigh, I flop back onto the bed and close my eyes again, sinking into a half-sleep. I have to believe there’s something for me after death. I’ll be patient, I’ll wait and hope for death while I fall apart inch by inch, and for now I’ll do my best for Kamui. I won’t wish, though.
I'm not sure how precisely Subaru expects them to just pick up where they left off in TB after all they've been through. I mean, yeah, Seishirou loves him, but there's still a helluva lotta residual issues there. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were just because he has Hokuto back and Seishirou cares. Nevertheless, death does bring a second chance of a kind. I'm sure they'd all sort something out eventually.
Wishes aren’t something I can believe in any more.
Well, of course not. His one main wish, and it went horribly, horribly wrong.
That's not very fair, is it? Seishirou wins to the last.
Anyway, ze end. I now feel kind of mean for not letting Subaru commit suicide, but anyway.
And I even made an icon for it. It's that serious/angsty icon I've been so clearly in need of!
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-18 07:51 pm (UTC)I love your grasp of characters, and how elegantely you formulate it.
I know his tarot is the hanged man, and I'm sure it would be all very symbolic if he tried to hang himself, but... I don't know, it just doesn't strike me as Subaru's method.
Have to agree with this ^^
That would be another reason to hope for Seishirou killing him; not only is it a perfect end, not only would he finally mean something to Seishirou in his death, it wouldn't be his fault.
So totally agree. I do think Subaru had many reasons for his wish.
Now, on the other hand, Subaru appeared relatively normal in TB
Oh, I don't know about that. He was already too self-destructive. He stood in the path of a woman with a knife intent of using it on him without moving before Seishirou did anything. No, Hokuto was right in saying there were something not quite human in Subaru's total concern about others - without regard for himself.
Anyway, wonderful fic and very interesting commentary. Thank you ^^
no subject
Date: 2004-08-18 07:55 pm (UTC)Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that last one. Since that's towards the end... more subtle warnings about the fact that Subaru isn't at all stable, I guess, on top of his dependence on his sister and the obsessive attachment he forms to Seishirou.